13 Feb 2007
So I saw my therapist again, and it was awesome! I figured out that my problem with Rochelle was the same problem I had with my Dad. I wanted their attention so badly and they would give me some every once in a while, and in between I kept desperately trying to get it. Dad was always going out to the bar, and not being home. I used to throw my arms around his ankles and refuse to let him go, but he would always go anyway. After he went, I would sit on the floor with my back against the door, waiting for him to come home. My Mom would yell at me to go to bed, adn sometimes she made me go. But then I would sneak out of my bed and go back to sitting against the door. I'd be asleep when my Dad came in and the door would bang against my back. Dad would scoop me up and try to carry me to my bed, but he would be drunk and stumbling around. I'd either jump out or he'd make it and I'd get in bed and he'd cover me up and kiss me goodnight. I was so glad to have him back, I didn't even care that he smelled like alcohol, and sweat, and smoke, and sometimes other sour smells I couldn't even identify.
Rochelle was always going off to one gig or another with her band. She'd be back late, and would smell like alcohol and smoke and sweat, even though she wasn't drunk. But even when she was home, she was always writing music, or practicing, or just having her mind on something. I would wait and wait for her attention as long as I could, and then I'd get really mad, and she's be irritated with me. It was always me who needed her; she never seemed to need me. At least not after the first couple of months. I hate being the needy one--it totally sucks!! I'm tired of being the needy one waiting. Next time I get a girlfriend, I'm getting one who is totally devoted to me. I want a woman who can't get enough of me, who needs me as much as she needs air--so someone else can finally fucking be the needy one!!