11 Jan 2010
It's just been so weird...and wonderful! I just feel calmer than I ever have. It's like I lived in a tornado most of my life and it finally passed. It feels like the storm is over. At first I didn't believe it, because how could a few sessions of EMDR change everything? But then my therapist helped me see that I've been working hard with her the past three years and the EMDR was just the final piece. A really important piece that changed amazingly quickly, but not out of the blue. For one thing I'd been having that dream--my unconcious was trying to get a message to my conscious, my therapist says. Finally I was ready to hear it. I just can't believe how different I am than I was before therapy! I understand myself so much better, feel lighter, happier, calmer. The drama is gone. It's like I'm another person almost--no I'm the same person, but maybe I'm the person I was meant to be, but was stuck in trying to become, if that makes any sense. Before therapy, I had no idea who I was or what I wanted, and I was just trying to survive the constant tornado. Now I love my work, I love Ricky, I even love myself, believe it or not! I mean why not? What have I ever done but be a good friend, daughter, student, employee, gf, cat owner, citizen...? I never did anything to deserve the criticism I used to give myself all the freakin time! It's like I have this warmth in my chest that is connected to the earth, and my therapist, and everyone in the world, and it is old and wise and tells me that I am lovable, and imperfect and forgivable and just trying as hard as I can to live a good life, and that's what it is to be human. It's the best anyone can do. It's such a good feeling!
I don't hate my Mom anymore, and she and I talk weekly. I enjoy talking with her, and she actually listens, and mostly doesn't judge. Occassionally we'll run into something she has a judgement about, but will back off if I point it out to her. I think she's so grateful to be connected with me again that she's willing to do whatever it takes to stay connected. I still don't have much of a relationship with my Dad, but I don't idealize him anymore. I don't hate him either--he's not all bad. He loved me tons, and probably still does, and we had lots of sweet times together. It's horrible to watch him drink himself to death and not be able to do anything about it. The best I can do is try to help other addicts who might be more ready to save themselves than he is.
I think I'm still a lesbian, but I don't see why I have to label myself. I'm attracted to women, but I'm also attracted to Ricky, and we love each other and he's good to me. I don't see why I can't be a lesbian in love with a man. That is the way it is, and anything else would be a lie. I don't have panic attacks during sex anymore, or nightmares. I like making love with Ricky, and feel totally relaxed and in my body. I feel like I can totally be myself with him, and he knows me and loves me for me. I still want lesbian friends, and I hope they won't exclude me because I'm with a man. So far, it's been ok. My life isn't perfect, but it's pretty darn good!
So my therapist and I have been talking about our ending therapy. I brought it up--it's not like I feel like she's throwing me out or anything. She wants this to be about my timing, and what I need, and trusts me to figure that out as we talk about it. I feel scared and sad when I think about not seeing my therapist anymore. I think it's just an old reflex, though, because when I think about how I could handle whatever challenged me when I wasn't seeing her, I can see that I could handle almost anything without her help now. Boy--I never thought I'd be able to honestly say that!! So we've been talking about how I've changed during our work together, and what worked for me, and what questions I have. The funny thing is that I realize now I couldn't have handled knowing much about her before, so I'm glad she didn't tell me. It made the room for me to be me and focus on me and not be distracted with who she was, other than how she was with me. Actually I still don't want to know much. She told me she was in a happy, longterm relationship, and had two kids, and I was glad to know that, but didn't want to know much more. I'm glad she's happy. The rest doesn't really matter.
So we're just going to work on "closure" for a few more times and then end. I know I can always go back for a session, or as long as I want, if I want or need to. I'm actually looking forward to being in the world without a therapist--just on my own, even though I also feel scared about it, and sad about not seeing her. She's been so important to me! She knows all my secrets--she knows me as much as anyone in the world. I'll miss her, for sure. I'm amazed; I finally like being me!