12 Oct 2009
I can't even believe what's going on! I was talking to my therapist about whether or not I was done with therapy, and she was so understanding and sweet about it, and I got this huge wave of some weird mix of anxiety, black cloud, and pain in my heart. I told her about it, and we talked about it, and as usual, she didn't seem at all scared by it--just interested, curious, sympathetic, and totally understanding. She made me feel, as always, like I was totally normal, even when I seemed like a total freak to me. So the feeling just got stronger, and I was like WTF, right? I had a couple dreams about her--one where I lay my head on her lap and she held me and rocked me like a baby. The other one, I crawled in bed with her, and her husband was there and she didn't want me to wake him up. She held me, but we had to be quiet. I woke up feeling sort of sick, and my head was kind of spinning. I told Ricky and he held me, but I felt hella creeped out.
So then I started obsessing about being held by my therapist. I was terrified to bring it up, because I couldn't bear the thought of exposing myself like that and feeling like I was asking for something bad. After trying to tell her, and not for a few sessions, she asked me, like she does when I'm not all there, what was keeping me from being in my body in sessions. I felt caught and like I had to tell her. Mostly I really really wanted to too. So I did. It took me about ten minutes to get two sentences out, but I told her I felt a kind of ache for her to hold me like a baby. My face turned bright red. I felt totally humiliated. What kind of adult wants to be held like a baby, right? But of course she was totally cool with it, and made me feel like it was totally normal and then we talked about when else I'd felt this, and I realized I'd kind of felt it as long as I could remember. I started crying, and I remembered feeling the same way with teachers, and camp counselors, and every woman who seemed nurturing my whole life! It's totally weird that I didn't remember that until now. It makes me scared about what else I might have forgotten. So we've been talking about this ache in my heart, and longing I've had my whole freakin life, and I've just been crying and crying every session. Jeez, am I ever going to grow up??