12 Mar 2009
I'm so f-ing lost! I don't know if I'm on the East coast or the West, wanting to be with a woman or with Ricky, in love with my therapist or just crazy, a kid or a grown-up, working with addicts or trannies, supposed to be supporting myself or letting my--I mean the Barracuda help me, acting like Ricky's girlfriend or just his friend who's helping him with his dying mother, working at all or taking time off to be with Ricky's family at this crisis and magical time???? I'm so anxious about it all, I'm not sleeping much. I just lie awake at night going over all the possibilities I can think of about who I want to be and what I should be doing with my life. There's no room for joy, fun, exercise, comfort. Penny and I miss each other alot when I'm gone, and I'm losing touch with my friends--I feel so ungrounded and drifting and desperately want to land somewhere and feel at home. Somewhere inside and outside myself. I don't know if this makes any sense. Maybe I should be treasuring this free and adventuresome time, but it's hard. It's strange, but when I'm with my therapist, even though it's only 50 minutes a week, that's when I feel the most grounded and sort of at home. She pointed out that it's been one of few constants with everything else changing in my life. I don't know if your therapist is supposed to be your ground/home, but I'm sure she would say that it's ok to use therapy for any number of purposes, including this one. I just don't get how everything can be okay with her--she never criticizes me--how is that possible? I've never known anyone who could do that before. I sure can't!