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Dad Falls, Ricky Drifts, Therapist Has Other Clients!
7 Nov 2008
OMG! My father was so drunk, he fell down the front steps trying to get away from the barracuda during a fight, and now he's got broken ribs and wrist! I feel so sorry for him--now he needs the barracuda to take care of him, so he CAN'T get away from her. It must be like being in prison! I love him so much--I wish I could take care of him. I have to be here to work for Plern and take my classes, and most of all to see my therapist. I wouldn't go anyway, because the barracuda would be around and I couldn't stand that. I'm sure she's all hostile--exuding resentment--I HATE being around that! She'd turn it on me too, eventually--she always does sooner or later. I wish I could talk to my Dad without having to talk to the barracuda first. The good thing is that he can't drink as easily, so he'll be sober for awhile.
Ricky is kind of just drifting away. We spend less and less time together. I can't tell if I miss him or not. I feel kind of numb. Every time I start to feel sad or scared about it, I just think about my therapist, and I feel better. I wonder if she minds being the teddy bear to all these people. I accidently saw her leading another client into her office after I got out of the bathroom. I have to admit, I was kinda jealous. I couldn't tell her; it's too embarrassing. I had a flash in my head of clawing that girl's face with my nails--that was disturbing! But it left after a nanosecond, and then the door closed with her in there and me out and all I could do was go home and be alone. I thought about hanging around the waiting room or something, but I didn't want her to find me and think I was stalking her, so I didn't. It's weird--when I have a session, I feel like I belong there, but after my session, I don't feel welcome there. The same place gives me a totally different feeling an hour later. There actually are quite a few things I think about that I'm too embarrassed to tell my therapist--like what I just wrote. I wonder if she knows I'm not telling her everything. I wonder if I have to in order to feel better? I don't know how she could even care when she's got all those other clients to listen to. I wonder how she does that. When I 'm with her, I feel like I'm her only client--I hadn't even really thought about her having others--I know that sounds nuts--until I saw it today. I'm such a case.