6 Oct 2008
I can't f-ing believe it--I can't stop thinking about my therapist! I had a dream last night that we were making love and her big butch scary partner walked in and threatened to kill me! I went running down stairs and jumped out the window butt naked and just kept running and running, and people were staring at me and calling out shit like "hey, get some clothes on you crazy bitch!" I was so, so totally embarrassed. I felt like the scum of the earth. I ducked into an alley and found a wine bottle and broke it and used the broken glass to cut lines into my arms and legs until they bled. I was just like in a trance, staring at the blood and thinking it was so beautiful, and I heard the butch's voice looking for me, and the only place I could see to hide was behind the dumpster. So I hid and the butch called out "I'm going to get you, you little cunt!" I was so scared, and ashamed, I just wanted to die. I woke up and felt frozen in my bed. I opened my eyes, but I couldn't get my body to move--I was so scared and somehow afraid if I moved the butch would find me--even though I knew that didn't make any sense.
After the terror wore off, I kept getting flashes of making love with my therapist. I feel so so guilty and ashamed. I keep thinking she would be so disgusted if she knew I was thinking about her that way! I told her about the dream, but didn't tell her it was her I was in bed with. I blushed the whole time. She asked me what I thought about the dream; whether there was something I was feeling guilty or ashamed about in my life right now, and how I was feeling about my sexuality. Of course I couldn't answer ANY of those questions because they all lead to my huge crush on her!! When I'm not in sessions, I'm thinking about her most of the time, and I've started driving by the office several times a day. I haven't seen her, and I'm dying to, but I don't know what I'd do if I actually did! I couldn't stand it if she saw me and knew I'm obsessing about her!! I don't know why I keep obsessing about her--she's just so beautiful and nurturing and talks to me as if I'm so wonderful. She's like the opposite of the barracuda.