24 Jul 2008
Crisis averted! My therapist wasn't at Harbin--THANK THE UNIVERSE!! Actually, I could almost thank "God," because Harbin felt so spiritual, it was like contagious or something--I started feeling some kind of floaty connection to everyone and everything on the planet. It was actually really cool. I would get in the hot pool at night, and look up at the sculpture they have of a person's face. There's something about that face--it's so peaceful, yet so alive--it's hard to explain, but looking at it made me feel so peaceful and comforted inside. So I would look up at it and think, "what if..." there really is a God, or I could forgive the barracuda, or I could be more loving and less angry, or I could keep the peace I felt inside at that moment, and feel it in the rest of my life...etc etc. It was so magical, really.
I still couldn't have an orgasm, but I talked to my psychiatrist, and she suggested taking a "vacation" from the Prozac once I'm stable on it--just for a day before having sex--once a week or so. I'm more of a once a day person, but it's a start--I'll try it.
The worse problem was that Ricki was irritating me the whole time. I couldn't stand the way he chewed, or snored, or farted, or smelled, or the stupid jokes he made sometimes. He's such a great guy, and I know I love him, but he can be such an irritating dweeb. I think it's something wrong with me. I realized talking to my therapist, that this is probably how the barracuda felt about my Dad as I was growing up. I think he irritated the hell out of her. It was a disgusting thing to realize, but I'm thinking like the barracuda!!! Yech! I just want to amputate her from my brain because I hate her and because I want to be at peace loving this great guy who loves me and not fuck it up! I'm so pissed that my parents' fucked up relationship is imprinted on my brain as what a relationship is. I don't want their fucking relationship--I want a happy one!! Every time I think about having anything in me that's anything like the barracuda, I feel nauseous. Bleeeeccccchhhh!