20 May 2008
Well, Ricky was so sweet and romantic and adorable in Maui. The barracuda kept her promises, and just let us have a great time. Well, she did call a few times and fish for gratitude, but it seemed like a small price to pay for such a wonderful vacation! I was even able to forget about how depressed I am mostly. But since I've been back, I'm totally overwhelmed. I have homework to catch up on, a long list of things to do, and everybody wants me to work hard to make up for the time I was gone. It's almost like they want to punish me for having a good time, while they had to stay here and do their regular tedious things. I don't want to do any of it. I wake up in the morning and start crying, because I have another day ahead of me. Ricky holds me and lets me cry, but nothing really helps. I just can't bear facing everything. I just want to stay in bed and sleep more and make the world go away and leave me alone. But eventually, I just have to get up, and force myself to go through my day. I cry some more in the shower, lie back down on the bed, try to eat, but everything tastes like cardboard, and throw myself out the door. Studying is almost impossible, though; I just can't concentrate. Life just hella sucks! I wish my therapist could just make me feel better. I don't understand why I feel worse than when I started seeing her. Is it supposed to work like that? Or am I a hopeless case nobody could fix? Or could some other therapist help more, or faster? Crap, that makes me feel really alone, because I can't even talk to my therapist about that--if she's doing the right things with me or if someone else could help me more. How could I ask her that??? But who else could I ask. Fuck.