What to Do When You Can't Meet Your Own Standards

Everyone sees you as successful, but you feel like you're fooling them; you're just barely getting done what is necessary, while piles of unfinished work haunt you. You feel anxious all the time, working more and more, but still can't catch up.

We are in the information age. It is a blessing and a curse. There is unlimited information about just about everything we research. We are having to handle these new boundary-less floods of information. Finding a way to know when enough is enough is very challenging to people who want to do things "right." The thoroughness in gathering information that was possible before the internet, is no longer possible.

In addition, downsizing has increased expectations of employees who remain in a company, so that each employee now has to do the work of two, then three, then four employees of the past. This means more and more compromises have to be made in the quality of the work, which for people with very high standards for themselves is intolerable.

Research shows that people who have unrealistically high standards are actually less productive than those with lower standards. Perfectionists hold standards that are so high that they slow down the work. Companies have found that slightly lower, realistic standards serve the bottom line much better.

Before you say "I'm certainly not a perfectionist; I don't do anything perfectly," know that perfectionists are the ones who say this.

Being a perfectionist does not mean you do everything perfectly--nobody does that. It means being chronically dissatisfied with work that others view as good work, and it means being brutal with oneself when one makes mistakes--not recognizing them as inevitable for everyone frequently.

In the next months I will be discussing how to create a balance of high-quality work, and high quality of life, by recognizing and working with standards and expectations we hold for ourselves that are compulsively high.

Ok, First do this--Step One:

Write down a list of all the things you would be doing if you were doing everything you expect of yourself. This includes promises you make to yourself over and over, things you've done at times and want to get back to, things you're working on, things you feel overwhelmed by, things that any reasonable person would agree should be done, and things you're doing. Here's an example of a typical partial list someone might make:

1) Be creative in responding to kids' unacceptable behavior rather than yelling at them.

2) Get to bed by 10:00

3) Lose 20 lbs, Stop eating sugar, cut down on coffee/alcohol/cigarettes, spend less time on the internet/watching tv...

4) Clean out the garage, attic, pantry, basket of mail, filing cabinets, car, desk, bedside table...

5) Eat out less and cook more. Eat more vegetables. Go through my stacks of cookbooks and recipes and use them to cook more vegetables. Eat food before it rots.

6) Get exercise at least 3X/wk.

7) Get up in time not to have to rush to work.

8) Return items I decided I didn't want.

9) Read the stacks of magazines I subscribe to.

10) Visit my parents more often.

11) Be more involved at my kids' school.

12) Meet deadlines at work.

13) Keep up with professional journals.

14) Fix the sprinkler system.

15) Figure out how to save for retirement and set it up.

16) Get the oil changed every 3000 miles.

17) Be informed on current events.

18) Get more organized.

19) Plan vacations early so prices are lower.

20) Pay attention to sales so I don't pay full price for things I need.

21) Read stack of self-help books.

22) Feng Shui my house.

23) Take the cat to the vet for her check up.

24) Have the gas/electricity company come out and tell me how to cut down on my enormous energy bill.

25) Paint the peeling house.

26) Spend more quality time with my Significant Other, and with my children--each separately.

27) Participate in political advocacy.

28) Use coupons.

29) Have friends over for dinner--especially those who've had me over several times.

30) Get an earthquake kit together.

31) Clean the mold out of my grout.

32) Put my photos into an album, print the photos I want from my full disk.

33) Return e-mails, write thank you notes, prepare Christmas letter, send birthday cards....

34) Take videos back before I have to pay a late fee.

So now make your own list!  Keep it around and add to it when you think of more.

Step Two:

Make a note next to each item about whether you think your accomplishing this task is realistic (given the actual circumstances of your life, and assuming you'll be getting enough sleep to feel rested, enough relaxation and recreation to be enjoying life, and enough time to eat, do chores, work, attend to family and friends without stressfully trying frantically to swim up stream just to avoid getting farther behind).  Note if each of these goals/desires/tasks are realistic for you in the next hour, day, week, month, year, or is unrealistic within a year at least.  Also note which ones you are already doing at 50% of your expectations.

Then make three lists of these--the ones you are already doing (and add to that one as many as you can think of), a list of ones that you realistically aren't going to do for the forseeable future, and the ones you realistically think you can and will do soon.  Label the unrealistic ones with "Letting go of this fantasy that hurts me"  Label the ones you already do 50% (more or less) with "You more than earn your existance."  Of the last list, pick one to three of them that if you succeeded at doing at least 50% of, it would make a big difference in how you feel about yourself and your life.  Put this on a forth piece of paper labelled "What I want to focus on now."

Then make a step by step plan to accomplish 50% of this goal.  Break the end result into pieces that are small enough that you are virtually sure you can do them.  Make the pieces like a bread crumb trail back home, so that all you have to do is step on one crumb at a time, and it leads you to the next crumb and eventually doing that will take you home (or to achieving your goal).  Then focus on what you can do today, and don't think about it anymore--it should already be thought through enough.  Now just do it.

510-525-2341  cynthialubow@yahoo.com